My Year in Review

Ben and I kicked the year off in Vermillion, Minnesota with our friends. After dealing with a broken vehicle and an ice fishing auger that didn't want to cooperate, we finally got to fish in the freezing cold conditions. We didn't catch a single fish, but we enjoyed the company of one another. We also got to celebrate my college graduation with all my close friends from church! It was a long 4.5 years but it was all worth it!

Who had their taxes done in February? THIS GIRL! I was extremely happy to have them done and over with. I was fortunate enough to get a return and was able to pay off my car and put a big chunk towards student loans! It was extremely exciting! Ben and I also got to go on a date to the World's Toughest Rodeo with some friends and then a few short weeks later I got the privilege to go to my first Wild game! It was a nail biter and was definitly the highlight of my month!

I started March by attending the Minnesota RollerGirls with friends. Ben was gone for 3 weeks at training for the Army so while he was gone, Kristen, Lydia, Lizzy, and I decided to redo/repaint Ben's house. In doing so we managed to break a toilet and a gas line. Ben may never trust me to watch his house again...  At the end of the month we celebrated my golden birthday and I received one of the best presents ever, a Mossberg International Silver Reserve II Field Over/Under 12 Gauge Shotgun.

In April, Ben and I discovered we both love trap shooting. This is the first hobby that we both enjoy and we can do it together! We also spent a weekend in Duluth relaxing and touring some of the breweries along the North Shore with friends. We finished up the month by attending a life changing concert. Hillsong headlined along with Kari Jobe and it was absolutely amazing to feel the spirit move in such a huge stadium.

I will never forget May. The family that I nanny for was expecting their 4th baby and she was already an amazing miracle. After going through a rough delivery for both Mom and Baby, I was able to hold Miss Faith and look into the eyes of a true miracle. I have never felt so many emotions in one moment. She was a perfect addition to the family. At the end of the month, Ben, my parents, and I were able to travel out to Maryland and see friends. It was extremely fun to see everyone and we are already looking forward to going back sometime next October.

Summer was busy. It was full of trips to Taylors Falls, the Zoo, the county fair, the Minnesota State Fair, and camping trips. In July, we remodeled Ben's kitchen, as well as went on our first motorcycle ride with hundreds of other people. We attended Hogs of Heroes and it was extremely fun! We also went to the Isanti County Rodeo and it was stinking hot.

In September, I got to experience the feeling of not having a first day of school, which in all honesty was pretty weird. I felt like I was missing something. I got the honor to attend the Orange Conference in Minneapolis for an evening and it was so amazing. I left with the knowledge and resources to becoming a better and stronger leader. We finished up the month by going to an apple orchard and enjoying apple cider donuts, my favorite.

October was a month of firsts. I was able to represent New Hope Community Church at a Teen Challenge Church Fair, and I look forward to going back as much as possible! It was extremely exciting to be in a room with people who are on fire for God and are looking to be placed into a church. The next first was that BEN PROPOSED! I was extremely surprised as he caught me off guard one night after work! It was a wonderful surprise! The last first was that I discovered the Converse outlet store... In the future, that store is going to be trouble.

In November we made our first step towards making America great again! Every election is one to remember but I definitely won't forget this one. We celebrated Thanksgiving with family and of course, set up a Christmas tree. There were also thoughts of returning to school being thrown around.

December was nothing but busy. We celebrated Bens birthday along with a wedding shower. I'm still so thankful for everyone who has been encouraging during this crazy time of life. We just celebrated Christmas, which for me is always overwhelming. However, this year Ben made sure that he set time aside and I was so grateful for him this Christmas. He is the best present. We look forward to starting 2017 with another bang but this time we will be celebrating the year together as one!

Changes!

The last 56 days have been crazy and the next 50 are going to be even crazier. Ben and I got engaged on October 11th, and we will be getting married on January 27th. We will have been engaged for just over 100 days. Are we crazy? We sure are, but that is what makes this journey so exciting.

I believe that over time, we change. Sometimes we can change overnight, other times I think it take months, years, decades. In past blogs, I have talked about this but things continue to change and I want to document them for my own healing.

Touch is something that slowly I'm learning how to deal with. I have learned recently, thanks to Ben, I'm not much of a physical person. I'm ok having friends around the United States that aren't near me. I'm ok with cuddling up with a blanket alone. However when someone says, "Can I hug you?" My head says, "no" but my heart feels bad and says, "yes". Then I pay for it later.

Anxiety is a very complex word. It is defined as, "a feeling or worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." Unease is the best way to describe this. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, and very difficult. This is how I feel after being in a physical situation.

I don't think this is a serious problem because over time it is already solving itself. For me, it helps to tell people. It helps to be real. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. For me, this is a no situation.

Prayer has been the biggest help. This is a problem that God can help me overcome. He is with me in those situations. He is the almighty healer. Even in the moments that I want to be alone and untouched, God has his arms around me.

When I have kids...

A conversation that Ben and I had before we even dated was that kids were really important to us. Ben comes from a family of 6 kids and I come from 2. Over the last two years, seeing babies join families and the toll it can take on a family, Ben and I have had more serious conversations about what we want our family dynamic to look like.

Before I start this post though, I want to say that this post is for future me. I want to constantly be reminded of lessons that other Moms and Dads have told me about that I can learn from before I have my own children (I am not saying these are the answers to parenting).

Simple. Simple is defined as easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty. I would love to live a simple life when it came to my kids. I know it is near impossible but I want to strive to be simple and here is how I want to try...

Toys. If I am being honest, I wish my kids would never have toys. I wish they would have a childhood like mine where the forest was there to build forts and hunt animals. I wish they had a lake that they could use as their swimming pool and a piece of grass to have picnics on. The older I have gotten, the less meaningful my toys have become to me. When I look into the future, I don't want to fill my kids room with crap. I am firm believer in 1 toy box per kid. This box doesn't include books, legos (building blocks), board games, or dollhouses. This means that in your box, you can keep your stuffed animals, babies, cars, little people, and whatever doesn't fit in your box, it is time for it to find a new home. Ideally, there is no reason that those toys can't be donated to another family or the thrift store. When it comes to toys, I want it to be less is more. 

Failure. So far one of my greatest lessons that I can take away from watching parents is that no one is perfect. Kids have bad days just like you and I do. When this happens, there is only one thing that is going to get you through the day, prayer. God is in control, he will help you through it. He never said it was going to be easy, but he will help you push through. Those are the days when it is a good reminder that crying is ok.  Go get a coffee, take a breather, and remember who is in control.

Anger. Monkey See, Monkey Do. I do not want my children to learn from me that anger is the answer. This is a lesson that I need to learn from myself. This is something that a child could pick up on very easily and I pray that in those moments, I find myself not raising my voice, not showing anger through my action, but disciple with peace and love. Does this mean that I'm never going to yell? No. Does this mean that I'm not going to get angry? No. The point of this is that I don't want my kids to see anger as an answer but I want them to know it is a feeling and how to properly deal with it.

I hope as the years go on to add to this post. These aren't the answers and someday I will probably look back on this and giggle or chuckle but I don't want to regret not learning the lessons from the people around me. Moms and Dads have a tough job and I hope to someday find joy in the tough days that are ahead. Until that day comes, I pray for guidance and preparations for how I want my kids to see me.

ISTJ

This past weekend reminded me that I am not the same person that I was five or six years ago. In high school, it was all about being social, discovering my feelings, and exploring my identity. This weekend, I shed tears because I just wanted to be alone. I kept thinking, "What is wrong with me?" Nothing is wrong, I've just changed.

The older I get, even though I'm only 23, I realize how introverted I am. Almost two years ago I took my Myers Briggs test and today I took it again. In two years I have changed in more than one way.

ISTJ: Introverted Sensing with Extraverted Thinking

This last holiday weekend was spent with many people. It was full of social interactions with friends, family, and church. These things are not bad but at the end of the day, I was holding back tears of anxiety. I ended up exploding on Ben, my trooper of a boyfriend, because I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want anyone to talk to me, touch me, or be anywhere near me.

After about 20 minutes, Ben's sweet voice said, "Can I talk to you now?" I wasn't mad at him, he didn't do anything to me, I was just done with people and I needed a little breather. That 20 minutes worked as a reset button. No longer would I get my energy from being around people but I would get my energy from being alone.

Now to explain the Extraverted Thinking... Oh Boy. Extraverted Thinking has a desire to control their environments, and can feel lost when they are not able to shape their own external world. A simpler definition is anal about their environment. I work best alone. However, if you ask my opinion on something, I will be brutally honest with you. I will tell you how I believe it should be and will stand firm on the ground I speak from.

This isn't always bad, but if I am talking to a very sensitive person, I can come across and a jerk. I've been told multiple times that I come across as a tough cookie to crack. This is exactly how I should start describing myself as.

I've also learning to let someone else do the talking and learn from them before I open my mouth. This is something that I hope to continue to learn from because it isn't always an easy task to do, especially when it comes to loved one.

So if you find yourself surrounding yourself with a ton of energy people, you can find me at home, in bed, enjoying a movie. If I am at work, don't be offended when I shut my door or leave the office to work from home.

I would encourage anyone who confused with their feeling or just interested in learning more about themselves to take this super short test. It might open your eyes...

https://www.16personalities.com

Health Update

After 3 years on my current meds, it was time for a switch up.

Over the last three years, I have been really good about watching the foods that I eat and taking my medication regularly. However, I was still getting sick for unknown reasons. I wasn't getting as sick as much as I used to, but it was still happening more than the doctors would like it to.

After a new assessment with my weight, height, BMI, and medical history, my case was given to a different doctor. In the past I was being treated for cyclical vomiting and intestinal migraines. The medication was working some of the time but like I said earlier, it wasn't working all the time. Therefore it was time for a change.

The new diagnosis is dyspepsia. This is a little bit more common problem than cyclical vomiting. There are huge pluses to trying something new, but there are also huge negatives. A plus is that this will open a whole new can of worms which could possibly result in answers. The first negative is my new medication I have to take in the morning. The side effect of it is drowsiness, not something you want to experience first thing in the morning. My last two days have been jam packed full of naps, which is not very productive and is already getting old. The other negative is I have to eat a low fat, low fiber diet. If you've never tried this, it is extremely tough. I am basically eating fruits, veggies, and dairy. It's not ideal but it is worth a try. We will be testing out this new medication for one month. After a month we will discuss if this is working or not and go from there.

At this time, there is no talk about another endoscopy, which is a huge yay! We are hoping this med is going to do more good than negative, but so far it has been tough. I haven't been able to work due to being tired and groggy and eating has been a challenge as I haven't been hungry.

Over this next month, I won't be praying for answers but praying for a medication that will help me live a semi-normal life when it comes to eating and drinking. Psalm 139:13-14 reads, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." God made me exactly how he wants me and I don't have to live in fear of my future because God already has it planned out for me.

Let me get this straight...

These next few months are going to bring a lot of change. The weather is going to change, my hair is going to grow longer, and relationship are going to grow. With that, decisions are going to need to be made. My job is going to change, my income is going to change, and what I am doing in life is going to flip.

Understand that this time I am doing something not to please the people around me but make a decision that makes me happy.

After working at a job for only 8 months, I will put in my two week notice tomorrow. Yes, I feel like a quitter and that I am letting people down and trust me, this hasn't been an easy decision. I am losing a 401k plan, an easy schedule, and a job where I get paid to sit. Seems like I am making the wrong decision right?

I am not and I have to say with confidence that I am making the right decision. I am letting go of a very easy job for something that I would have never expected, a barista.

So, why?

I am not a person that can sit and be bored. I go crazy and I sit and over think everything I do, everything I have done, and what I am doing tomorrow. Money has become number one in my life and that makes me sick.

Trust. I dare you to donate a lump sum of money to someone. For the first time in my life I asked someone, "What do you need?" and I met their request. Within two weeks, God supplied it. That is why I am changing jobs. I need to trust God and I am not a quitter.

I am taking a pay cut, losing a 401k, and giving up a job where I get paid to sit. I am not even going into a field that includes my degree and that is ok.

It is time for something new. I am not leaving out of hatred, anger, or frustration. It is time to do something where I am learning, building relationships, and constantly moving.

I ask for prayer during this transition, it will be a whole new ball game for me.

My Niche

After four years of college, I have officially graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Communication with a minor in Marketing. I can't say that I have loved every step of the way, but it has been a journey.

A year ago I moved back to Minnesota and regretted it the whole drive back. The best word to describe my feelings was fear.
Last February, my school informed me that to graduate, I had to complete an internship. This was new to me and I wanted to graduate on time, so it was time to find one right away. Since I was new to the area, I knew one person who might take me under their wing. However, I didn't know him, I knew of him. Bryce Harcey told me the same day that I asked, that the internship was absolutely possible.

After my internship was done, I headed into Bryce's office to discuss how things went. I had hope that he could potentially be a key reference on my resume and boy, was I wrong.

He had no intention to let me go that day and just be a reference, instead of using the word exit interview he used the word, hire. My heart stopped. He offered me a job that day and told that this whole internship was an interview. As I left his office, I thought my heart was going to flutter away.  I had a job in my career field before I had even graduated.

I thought that marketing was my niche. I loved it. However, this wasn't my niche.

The other part of my job was going to be in the ministry of worship. Sure, as a high schooler I helped on the worship team and played bass, but nothing could have prepared me for what was going to change in my heart.

While working along side James Belmont, he told me that I was going to lead this church in worship. A part of me couldn't help but think, I didn't go to school for worship. I want to work in marketing.  I loved marketing but worship and music was my niche.

Over the last year, I have lead services from 50 people to 450 people. Music is my niche. God is my niche. This isn't where I planned to be. This is where God wants me and that is why I want to be here. 

I get the best of both worlds. I get to do my marketing job but I also get to worship a God that loves me. I never had the intention to move back to MN but here I am. This was never my plan, however it was God's all along.

Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." God has taught me in ways that I couldn't imagine. He has put leaders in my life like Bryce and James, to walk along side me on this journey. I am so thankful for this opportunity at New Hope Community Church and will continue to treasure my time here.