Changes!

The last 56 days have been crazy and the next 50 are going to be even crazier. Ben and I got engaged on October 11th, and we will be getting married on January 27th. We will have been engaged for just over 100 days. Are we crazy? We sure are, but that is what makes this journey so exciting.

I believe that over time, we change. Sometimes we can change overnight, other times I think it take months, years, decades. In past blogs, I have talked about this but things continue to change and I want to document them for my own healing.

Touch is something that slowly I'm learning how to deal with. I have learned recently, thanks to Ben, I'm not much of a physical person. I'm ok having friends around the United States that aren't near me. I'm ok with cuddling up with a blanket alone. However when someone says, "Can I hug you?" My head says, "no" but my heart feels bad and says, "yes". Then I pay for it later.

Anxiety is a very complex word. It is defined as, "a feeling or worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." Unease is the best way to describe this. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, and very difficult. This is how I feel after being in a physical situation.

I don't think this is a serious problem because over time it is already solving itself. For me, it helps to tell people. It helps to be real. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. For me, this is a no situation.

Prayer has been the biggest help. This is a problem that God can help me overcome. He is with me in those situations. He is the almighty healer. Even in the moments that I want to be alone and untouched, God has his arms around me.